Sarah: You Can’t Be What You Can’t See (The Author’s Story)
On the night that I attended my first book club meeting, I posted a mirror selfie on Instagram with the caption “Wow. Adulthood. We made it.”
That night was not only the first time I’d (purposely) met other aces in person, but it also felt like my first step into exploring who I was in the adult world. Education with its clubs and societies were in the past, I had waited through the pandemic, and now was the time to actively find somewhere to belong.
Not all that many months before, I’d read a book: Upside Down by N. R. Walker, one of the first books I ever picked up with explicit asexual representation. It’s a cheesy 2POV romance between two asexual gay men. One of them is confident in their asexual identity (Hennessy), the other exploring the label for the first time (Jordan).
I’ve come back to this book several times since – including once for book club in September 2023 – and it has become a comfort read of mine. Not only that, but it has become my reality somewhat too.
One of the things that stood out to me in the story was the asexual ‘support group’ both main characters attend. They had found a crowd that understood their experiences and they could just talk openly with. I read about their emotions around belonging and feeling free to be themselves, and I wanted that for myself. Now, I have book club. I sought the equivalent of Jordan and Hennessy’s asexual support group, and book club came at the perfect time for me.
I stumbled across the group on Facebook in September 2022 in time for the club’s first book discussion. I have made some great friends at this club, many at that first gathering - this would be the people I attended my first ever Pride event with! And the club’s monthly meetings provide regular, scheduled time to socialise with this wonderful group; a community that would be hard for me, as a disabled person, to achieve on my own.
My disability has certainly thrown challenges my way over the years. There were a few months early on when I had to miss book club entirely because of spending time in hospital. A combination of ill health plus wanting to prioritise my social life more (now that I actually had one) led me to a career change, one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Now, just like Jordan in Upside Down, I am a library assistant. I have made books my life. I was a reader before joining book club, but being part of deeper book discussions and making connections through a love of books has shaped this mild interest into a huge part of who I am.
It is certainly funny to reflect on 22-year-old me reading Upside Down for the first time. It really was an example of ‘you can’t be what you can’t see’; I saw the life I wanted in this book and now, here I am.