Eleri: Finding Your Gateway to Community
Eleri, who in their spare time sings in a choir and runs half marathons, attends book club as much as their busy schedule allows.
Eleri shared with me that they probably knew they were asexual since their teenage years, and were aware of the label, too, due to the LGBTQIA+ group at their school, but that it has been difficult for them to accept or embrace this identity for themselves. They believe that being educated about asexuality isn’t always enough as many people still don’t quite know the nuance of this identity.
“I think by the time I started university I was like ‘Yeah, I am ace’, and I told various people and so on. But I would still say I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t really say I had accepted it, or that I was happy about it, you know?”
Book club has been “a safe space” for them. This is not just because everyone there is asexual, but because the books provide a framework for the discussions and a structure that has allowed them to connect with other aces.
“I think it’s so nice to be in a space where understanding - a common experience - is kind of underlying it all, and there’s no need for explanation, or no scope for misunderstanding. But also, it gives you a really nice framework to talk about asexuality because you have a book as a starting point. […] It’s nice to have a more theoretical discussion onto which you can project your own experiences, or talk as much or as little about your own experience as you like.”
Book club is a space where aces can use books and stories as the spark to conversations around the ace experience. As Eleri put it: “Having this structure means that I was less nervous to go to that [initial] meeting because I knew there was something specific to talk about rather than having to try to make small talk with people I didn’t know.” Eleri found a way that made it comfortable to discuss the nuances of our sexual orientation. Without initially coming across a Tweet posted by the London Ace Book Club account, Eleri may not have had the confidence to participate in the ace community they are now a fully-fledged member of.
This idea of having confidence to go do more and more exciting things by knowing people from book club and building up their ace network, Eleri described as “a sprawling friendship group”. Essentially, when you go to book club you will meet people who attend other ace social events and are part of other ace groups, so you go to those too. Then, at the new events, even if you initially intended to just stick with the people you already know, you end up talking to new people and learning about groups they are a part of, and so your network of ace friends grows and grows and your opportunities to connect grow too.
As a lover of books, Eleri found our book club to be their gateway to the London asexual community. Since attending the book club introductory meeting in July 2022, they have gone to various ace socials, marched with AVEN at London Pride twice, and made friends with more and more fellow aces. For them, talking about themselves may be daunting, but talking about books was something they liked to do already. “[Having book club and] talking about books as a way to connect to other ace people is just kind of a perfect combination.”